The man who stops advertising to save money is the man who stops the clock to save time.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
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Don't lend money to friends -- it causes amnesia.
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I like rumors. I find out so much about me that I didn't even know!
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We lose ourselves in books. We find ourselves there too.
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
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I've never been skydiving, but I have zoomed-in on Google Earth really fast.
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Have patience. Everything is difficult before it is easy.
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Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger ... but I love you now.
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Retirement: World's longest coffee break.
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Sometimes when you think the storm is coming to rain on your parade, it's actually there to water your garden.
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Counting other people's sins does not make you a saint.
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During sex it's perfectly fine to say "YEAH", "YES", and "OH YES", but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "YEP"?
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All you need is love. And a tiara. And maybe a cookie.
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If hindsight of some women was as good as their foresight, they wouldn't be wearing slacks.
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Paradise is not a place, it's a state of mind.
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Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.
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My alarm tells me you're in my house. My gun tells me not for long.
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If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
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My only hobby is laziness, which naturally rules out all others.
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